Giving Up

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
Or what if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win
And chase you with the rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up
On making passes
And I am giving up
On half empty glasses
And I am giving up
On greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes in after 9?
What if your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes?
And I'll be the one to find you safe in my heart?

Cause I am giving up
On making passes
And I am giving up
On half empty glasses
And I am giving up
On greener grasses
I am giving up

~Ingrid Michaelson

trusting God

My friend Chad spoke at Ignite (at PLU) last night. He was talking about compassion. He gave the definition as something deep inside of you that won't go away until you deal with it. A constant ache in the deepest part of you. He was using that word to explain the motive behind sharing Jesus' love with other people. He was also talking about how relationship is the way to have a route into people's lives to introduce them to Jesus.

Before this, during worship, I kept singing "We will walk in Your freedom, we will walk in Your victory." Sometimes there are people who force the gospel on other people. Guess what? God has the victory ALREADY! I love that!! My good friends who don't understand Jesus' love for them are in a process. A process that Jesus knows. God created them! He knows what they need. God has told me that there are certain people in my life that will have a revelation of who He is. God has the victory ALREADY! We just have to walk in it.

Another friend was telling me about her chronic illnesses she's dealt with since she was born. She all of a sudden decided to walk in health and she's being healed more and more each day. God has the victory ALREADY!

If we walked continuously in the things we believe I think Christianity would be completely changed. We're all good at being humans, not as good being Christ-like. People who are not Christians believe that Jesus was a good, wise person. They also say that Christians are not so good or wise. But....God has the victory ALREADY!

Yeah, I wish everyone would accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior at the snap of a finger. But I'm not the one who is in control.

God has the victory ALREADY!

lyrics by lights (check her out!)

Seems somebody put out the moon
Now the road is a mine field
I can’t follow the way she moves
I can’t see past the shadows
You make the darkness disappear
I feel found when you stand near
I know where I am when you are here
My way becomes so clear

When you’re gone
Will I lose control?
You’re the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?

Seems somebody burned up the signs
I can’t expect the hard curves
There’s no borders there’s no lines
How can I know where to turn?
You make the street lights reappear
I feel bright when you stand near
I know what I am when you are here
My place becomes so clear

When you’re gone
Will I lose control?
You’re the only road I know
You show me where to go

Who will drive my soul?

He is bigger than my problems will ever be

I realized something about myself today. I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I knew I wasn't doing well, but I realize now I'm doing worse. Being depressed hurts a lot. and when you self medicate it makes it worse. I knew that already and I did it anyway. I knew it wasn't going to solve my problems but it sure did make them go away for a couple hours. But the problems hid, feeding off the self medication in silence and secrecy. Once the effects faded, the problems came back out, ready to torment me.

I'm bigger than those problems will ever be
Why would I choose to make such a stupid decision? Why don't I remember that You are totally in control of my problems and will take care of them? I know that in my mind....I don't yet know that in my heart. How does it get there?
Prayer. Fasting. I will give you direction but there's too much of you in the way.
Yeah. You told me that yesterday and I chose to run the other direction instead of following You. Starting today, I make the choice. I'm going to turn the other direction and run as fast as I can towards what You want me to do. And I will fast and pray to know that direction. Starting today.
My mercies are new every morning. Today is no different.

my anthem

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough that you can taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

You wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind impatient, waiting

We live and we learn to take...

[Chorus]

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused and got it all figured out

Everything that you've always wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
You wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind impatient, waiting

We live and we learn to take...

[Chorus]

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

When you can't wait any longer

But there's no end in sight

(When you need to find the strength)

It's your faith that makes you stronger

The only we get there is one step at a time

[Chorus]

Take one step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

Hopelessness

Hopelessness is the word of the season
I don't have hope for certain relationships
I don't have hope for certain friends
I don't have hope for myself
I don't have hope that things are going to get better

I've just assumed for the last few months that things are just going to get worse. cause it has. and i have no hope that it will get better. there are very few things in my life that right now are bringing me happiness. very few things. and because of this hopelessness, it effects relationships because i get stressed out and it comes out in an angry explosion and no one knows what's wrong. they rarely take the time out to ask what's going on, they just yell right back at me. and we all know that works wonders....sarcastic haha riiiight.

i talked a bit with cori tonight. that was just what i needed. i was real. i let her know EXACTLY what was going on. i haven't been that honest in a long time. i haven't been that honest with someone who would actually pray for me and tell me how to change and what to change. there's a time for talking without wanting someone talking back but this was not one of those times. i needed someone at that exact moment to pray for me and not just listen and do nothing.

then i talked with liane. she's my favorite. she built me up so much. i know god is faithful. but i have to *KNOW* it. and i guess i don't fully *KNOW* it yet, which is why he is putting me through this. i'm not exactly sure what i even want from god. if i want anything. i was terribly distracted this morning during church. i was thinking about my life as of late. the drinking, the drama, the jokes, the lack of sleep, the relationships. nothing has really fulfilled me. but what was i really expecting? i know and i've always known that jesus is really what fulfills me. it started being a cliche religious phrase though.

i want to be genuine. i want to embrace my mistakes and my humaness. i want to love others unconditionally. i want to only say things i mean and mean the things i say.

i'm restless
i'm hopeless
Someone come save me

It's been awhile...

Most people my age who grew up in church are a lot different than what they were raised in. Myself included. I am very different than what my parents raised me to be. Of course, my parents are a lot different than they were when they were actually raising me. My friends (the closest ones) my age and I have a very different worldview than the churches we grew up in or the people we grew up around. As a whole, we are becoming more and more liberal, or as someone said "progressive," politically and religiously. We are trying our hardest to think outside the box and do things completely different than the way our parents did because we see it didn't so much work for them.

So is this a good or a bad thing? Sometimes I come down hard on myself because my beliefs have changed so much. Sometimes I worry that they have changed for the worst. I'm not as hardcore about what I believe as I used to be. I realized in the last year or so that I *don't* have all the answers. I think that's what screwed up the previous generation. They thought they had all the answers and that whatever they believed about the world, God, and politics was perfectly spot on. The problem was, people on opposite viewpoints thought that, creating an oximoron.

I don't have the answers. I don't know who God is. All I know is that He loves me. I know that Jesus is an amazing Man who walked this earth and died a horrible death because somehow, in God's kingdom, that meant that we would be able to spend forever with Him and that's all He wants. Other than that, I choose to have my opinions. I choose to *not* force my opinions on to someone else. I've tried that. It doesn't work and it causes rifts in friendships.

I find myself fearing my own beliefs. I don't always speak my mind because I fear, on either side of the spectrum, that I will be hated or mocked. Sometimes I think that because I see myself as a moderate that I am flaky, unable to make my own decisions and just riding the fence. Then I tell myself that neither side has it right. Neither do I. God created us to be in groups for a reason. We are all made in God's image. 6 billion people that are alive right now make up God's image, along with the billions who have already died in history. That's a big God. That's the God I serve. Not the God we've put in a box.

Yes, I'm pro-life. Morally. I choose to not push that on others. I can't tell someone who is in a situation that I have never been in that abortion is black and white. Yes, killing an unborn baby is wrong, disgusting, and depressing. But I have better things to do than tell a woman crawling to an abortion clinic, shame pouring over, that she is sick and wrong. The better thing I have to do is to tell that woman that she is loved beyond her imagination. That no matter what mistake she may make, Jesus still died for her, as well as her unborn baby. I told a friend once that no matter what she chose to do, I would hold her hand through any process whether that was having an abortion or live birth.

I have my own thoughts on homosexuality. But again, because I am not in the same situation, I cannot for the life of me tell someone to just stop. I also cannot tell someone they cannot have the same rights that I have. I really don't think that Jesus was about changing government. He was about changing hearts. If I want to make my area of influence better, I have to allow Jesus to speak through me. I don't all the time, and that's terribly unfortunate. But my job as a follower of Jesus is to love Him and love others. That's all I care about.

To the people who are reading this and are adamantly against what I say (either "right" or "left") I say again, I don't know who God is. I don't know His perfect view of things. I see dimly as in a foggy reflection. I may be completely wrong on this. But these are my convictions. I cannot be someone I am not. Did God make me this way with these beliefs? I don't know. I think I have made decisions that have affected my beliefs. I also think that God has not allowed me to just do this christian thing on my own. I believe my relationship is a two-way street. So I say again, you may be right about what you believe. But we won't know that until heaven.

I'm not sure if this generation will get it better than our parents. But one thing is for sure: we are not satisfied with the status quo. We are out there to break the boundaries and find out what's out there. It's much easier to find out where the line is if you've crossed it. I'm ready to run across the line so I can find my way back. I'm tired of inching closer and closer to the line, not really knowing where it is. I'm bolting, running past the people that give me looks that say "are you sure you want to do that Nikki?" "Wait and let me tell you why you shouldn't do that."

Don't worry, I'm not doing this on my own. If Jesus is not by my side, *anything* I do is worthless, even if it looks beneficial.

adventure is in the air

Last night I went to the Rewire girls' bible study. For anyone who is new, they have to ask a question, any question, to the rest of group. My question was, "What is your favorite adventure that you've been on?" I had to answer it as well. I realized that I have been on SO many!

**Lake Easton
**California road trips
**countless Westport adventures
**driving aimlessly around Seattle
**random concerts

What will my next big adventure be? I have realized I need a foreign adventure. Will that take form in the Peace Corps? Will I meet someone who will take me around the world? I'm pretty sure the next adventure will not be something like marriage. I need some more single adventures. I haven't lived it all out yet. Although I am crrrrazy excited for Sarah's wedding in 10 days and counting. As much as I give her shit about getting married so young, I am very happy for her, and I think it was a good time, even though it meant not ever being her roommate.

Anyway, I want to travel. I want to find my *own* way around places. I want to make my *own* life. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be independent. I don't know. What I do know is I'm getting fidgety just working my part time YMCA job and living with my parents. REAL fidgety. Time for a change.